Prose Poetry (An Exercise)

Some days, I forget that I have a chronic illness (rheumatoid arthritis, endometriosis, chronic migraines) today was one of those days.

This morning, I woke up as stiff and uncomfortable as I normally do; I mentally guided myself through a ‘check’ of every body part, joint, muscle. I slowly flexed ankles, pointed toes and cracked each one-by-one, wincing (as I always do) when my right pinky toe gets stuck mid-click.

My brain and body slowly move up to my knees, largely aware that my right is still very swollen from the night before (psh who am I kidding? the years…) so, I languidly glide my right hand around right knee, checking for any new bumps or lumps or divots or cracks, inflammation or some type of divine intervention to have wrestled with my immune system while I lay asleep (tossed and turned in discomfort all night) fighting for relief.

The inflammation stays. But now, it has moved below my kneecap. It has found a resting point there, below elevation and the valley between calf and knee…There used to be storms there; brought on my miles-long hikes up wilderness trails, high heels and stiletto dancing all night long, leather riding boots seemingly painted poetically against strong, slender muscle which after hours of use–in lethargy–would spasm shift, create jolts like bolts of lightening through worn out leg(s). But oh…here comes the rain: soothing as summer sun showers, tepid and bright. Bath water did everything massaging hands could not.

Now? Now the coolness scalds, unaware of fever or speckled heat rash. Now bath water only alleviates for a moment, while the pages are turned during my nightly novel. Once dried off and composed, the pain returns (laughable) as if it never has anything better to do than spend time with me.

Today was no different. After morning body checks and late afternoon pharmacy runs, my body became confused of overuse. The draining began in my head with a feeling of a lonely balloon, flying (floating) without a string. Nausea next, tied up alongside panic and misery–what’s this? what’s happening?–checklist one, two, three. The many medications can cause such issues, but that cannot be…something deeper, the cause.

Green lights spot your vision, vivid colors only I can see. Ahead of me a night of wilderness, of unknown, of space between awake and reality, wondering if the next one (flare) will lead me down this road. The road not yet taken (or the road least travelled by?) has seen many steps by you, ironically. It knows your every move, maps your location, leaves you right where you don’t want to be.

And of all the nights–I thought tonight would be different. That the path would be clearer and the pain would subside, that whatever Star I’ve been following would lead me on a new way home.

Here. Here it is, the old familiar track I trod, smelling of perseverance and pain, musty and dank of will power and self reliance–brightened by hope.

Funny thing about cellophane is that it suffocates as it protects.

This Too Shall Pass…

I pray that if I say it enough, an Angel–waiting–wrapped in cellophane will release its wings, feather-by-feather, cover me in Peace and Grace, so Light that my trepidation will Soar against the Heavens as Stars;

burst into gas, alight as a new awakening galaxy.

Or am I made of cellophane? Do you see so clearly through me? Quickly pick apart the pieces of my cogs and wheels–brain gives way to take shape in Power. Sit by and watch the flooding chambers of my heart, and wait on baited breath

to see if the left will ever fill again.

What flows through Your now parchment mind in those twenty seconds; circulating from root to tip?

Flowing

Flowing

  Waiting

LAMPLIGHT

Nine times out of ten I like talking about other people–to other people.

But, there’s this period between dusk and dawn that belong to my thoughts–to me.

My pen enjoys the fluidity of writing the mockery in “M”, elucidates laughter from the soul in the “E”, leaves out (purposefully) the harshness of the confusing “Y-O-U”.

Selfishly, she sometimes dots an “I” without batting any, chooses not to play for a team so works independently for awhile.

But as the sun peeks perspicaciously over ‘City of Oaks’–we better start our day–together.

This Too Shall Pass

This too shall pass…I pray that if I say it enough an angel waiting wrapped in cellophane will release its wings, feather-by-feather, cover me in Peace and Grace. So light, my trepidation will fly against the Heavens as stars; burst into gas, alight a new awakening galaxy.

Or, am I made of cellophane? Do you see so clearly through me? Quickly pick apart the pieces of cogs and wheels my brain lays way to take shape? Sit by and watch the flooding chambers of my heart and wait on baited breath to see if what’s left will ever fill back up again?

What flows through your “parchemented” mind in those 3.5 seconds? Funny thing about cellophane is that it suffocates as it protects.


I tend to write heavy moments with a stream of consciousness detail, making sure to allow myself to feel the deep emotion that is attached to my experience–this feels the best way for my catharsis to be effective. And I am a huge proponent on using writing (whether it be poetry, prose, notes, or doodles) for a cathartic process. In fact, my MFA Graduate research project was on poetry for cathartic process, and I used research from various emotional trauma (physical and emotional abuse in domestic relationships) as well as a large section on PTSD in the military all the way back from World War ll.

What are some ways that you deal with stress, anxiety, or emotional entanglements? If you would be open to share any thoughts or example, please comment below or send an email to me!

IMG_1604

The State Between Awake and Dreaming and Remembering

It’s another one of those solitude soaked nights again; where my pillow becomes heavy with pain like pollen, floating from space to space and joint to joint–aimlessly the night buzzes in the stillness.

Softly, I remove the Summer-light lavender comforter from my burdened body, thinking (but really praying) that the two pounds will loosen the weight of the day, the days I’ve spent carrying around such a burden of illness in my gypsy bones.

They are always stunned, confused. I have always been a fairy with clipped wings. Hour-by-hour tracing steps to see how I could’ve done something better, leaving trails of pixie dust in my wake, across the eyes of my believers, but for some reason never enough for me.

I should’ve married Peter Pan, sewn my glitter into the threads of his shadow while we forever traveled to and from our Neverland, never landing on times past or reverie. But, I spent too much time on Captain Hook with his clock–my inner child–counting down the wasted away years he planned to steal.

He played the parts of savior and captor together all too well, the Captain. Smiling his crocodile smile through waters deep, and had jaws of death and jagged life just the same.

But around here, there is no luxury of retrospection, only present tense or future flux. It seems as though space remains incomprehensible to many, but when all you have is ‘the state between’, you tend to notice the nuisance of change.

I wish five years ago before my RA diagnosis, I would have been more aware of my ‘state between’–would have recognized the flutter of my fairy wings and the pulsing of my gypsy heart. In previous years I would spend too much time pondering the could have beens, would haves, should haves if I only might haves!

These days, even during nights like these while I’m stuck in the ‘state between’ and hot tempestuous pain, I sit in the present, stay thankful for tomorrow, and allow my gypsy heart to perambulate without concern.

As pixie dust slowly begins to soften my steps, my journey–I remember the song of my heart– my purpose of channeling pain into purpose into passion. Then, sharing my passion with you 💜

Staying Afloat

Burning

I wish that I could be caught on fire

With scented candles placed from tips

Of fingers to tips of toes, body stripped

Of worldly clothes—make it sacrificial.

I want to be sent out to the Atlantic,

Vast and cold, with fired sorrow emblazoned

In me so that I may commence rebirth

From the ashes, washed in the sea. 

—-Brittany Rea Hill


Today has been a pretty very difficult today. One of those days where you’d like to never move from the couch, or bed, or chair, but you have absolutely no choice because you have doctors appointments and life. Yep–that day.

One of the most uncomfortable symptoms of my RA is pleurisy which is basically when the pleura–membrane with a layer of tissue that lines the inner chest cavity and a layer of tissue that surrounds the lungs gets inflamed–and has severe sharp/shooting pains. I know, really basic, right? All that is important to know is BREATHING=PAIN! I was given one of those Peak Flow Meters a few months ago when I had my first severe case of pleurisy that sent me to the ER.

It is supposed to help keep my lungs open, make deep breathing easier, and allow me too track my progress with breathing when I am having long flare ups. Ugh! When I have to take this thing out, I almost immediately break down and crack open my little steroid tic tacs every time! But, I attempt to take my steroids as little as possible since it has so many longterm side effects.

My pleurisy has been so bad though, that I couldn’t even do my nails today! That’s right: I have Memorial Day toes and tips on! It is so terrible. For those of you who follow me on Instagram and Snapchat, you know that I am constantly changing my nail designs and nail shapes. I absolutely love doing my nails, it’s very relaxing to me. I think I enjoy doing most creative activities because they allow me to utilize my brain in different nonrestrictive ways.

French Fade/Baby Boomer
My first attempt at doing a French Fade/Baby Boomer!

This is precisely why working in a corporate setting has never uhh been my ‘thing’. I feel like I am suffocating and that my time should and could be better spent doing a million other things than literally anything else going on on my desk, let alone in the office. The only thing that I found remotely exciting was the office gossip, and even that got too much too fast. I had my own stuff going on, I didn’t have time for all of those people coming to my desk stressing me out because her baby’s father wanted to have their baby around his new girlfriend, or because Jose caught his boyfriend cheating with Jose’s Uber driver that he thought he was going on a date with after he met him on Tinder…or the 45 year-old alcoholic coming into work cussing out the entire management staff, throwing papers in his face and telling him he needs to do the work himself if he can’t keep his mouth out of her business…and then she gets suspended for two weeks, but comes into work the next day, stands by my desk where I give her the eye and she sits down leaving a whiff of alcohol that I don’t know is Listerine or 80 proof. I do not have the time. Besides, I now have dedicated time and teaspoons of energy to give to my writing and music.I do miss working outside of the home though; just being able to see different faces, absorb fresh air and sun. Yet, for such a long time, being unwell has made me unable to work, both physically and mentally. It has just been in the last month or so that I’ve felt like, ‘Hey! I may be able to start doing this again!’ Most people don’t know that I have been working since the age of 13 (actually prior to that because my family has a business and you better believe I was contributing my share of help! But now, I want to focus on my writing and music–funny, how life works out that way I think. 

So, my post is shorter and later today because I spent most of my afternoon getting yet another chest X-ray to check the condition of my lungs and heart (pleurisy and pericarditis–which I have had a couple of times before as well). Last night I was awake and in terrible pain (PAINSOMNIA!) until about 3:00AM, and in those moments, I spend time writing, editing, and submitting poetry. I want to share this piece with you which I have submitted for publication in various journals. It was under revision and I wrote this while awake at 4:00AM during a PAINSOMNIA! event, too. Please, I am open to your comments, to your questions.

If you also have a piece of writing that you’ve writing during a time of ‘PAINSOMNIA!’ do feel free to post it in comments below, or send mean e-mail so that I may post it here at a later time! Here is my poem again below!


Burning

I wish that I could be caught on fire

With scented candles placed from tips

Of fingers to tips of toes, body stripped

Of worldly clothes—make it sacrificial.

I want to be sent out to the Atlantic,

Vast and cold, with fired sorrow emblazoned

In me so that I may commence rebirth

From the ashes, washed in the sea. 

                   —Brittany Rea Hill

Status Migrainosus

One of these days, I will tell you the whole story. How some mornings when I wake up and all of my joints are of ligneous texture, density, heaviness. A stiff feeling which allows me to sardonically think, “I’m a real girl!” to myself, chuckling aloud as I haven’t lost my sometimes dark sense of humor… No, I will save that story for how my RA began five years ago for a different time since I am luckily on day seven (Thank God!) of no migraine or no headache due to a regimen of low dose daily steroid–methylprednisone– and a slight increase in my Topamax. The methylprednisone I just keep around the house for several reasons and ailments , and we ALL know the double edged sword that comes with the steroid life preserver! 

I began having migraines at the age of 11, so I’ve had chronic migraines for much more than half of my life. With my first migraine, I was absolutely afraid. I had been visiting my mom in her office at our family business when all of a sudden, the right side of my head behind my eye began to throb fiercely and without warning. I started to notice that my ears were ringing, my vision was changing (bright flashing lights occluded my view) and tidal waves of nausea ebbed and flowed over my body every 30 seconds. My mother was on the phone, but quickly hung up, “I have to go, I’m sorry, something is wrong with my daughter.” My mom and I then spent the next 15 minutes semi-permanetley affixed to the tiles of the medium-sized bathroom before my Dad got there to bring me to the doctor. 

Luckily, I had finished vomiting by then so the car ride was full of my silence and the soothing hum of the engine, but the judgmental ticks and clicks of the turn signal. “Does anyone in your immediate family have a history of migraines?”

QUESTION: Does anyone in your family have a history of migraines or headaches? If so, what family member, and how do you help them cope not only with the symptoms but various aspects that are impacted in their daily lives? 

“Well, yeah–my maternal grandmother…one of my maternal aunts…”

“You had a migraine today. I don’t know how many you will have or how severe and how often, but I will tell you some things that you can do to alleviate symptoms before the migraine attack gets too bad.” At the age of 13, I ended up having chronic migraines and my migraines always began with visual disturbances or auras (ie. flashing lights, blurry vision, printed letters changing colors (mainly white writing looking pink or yellow) ringing in the ears, etc. I now also smell things that aren’t there! : bacon, wood burning, pizza, etc.) My migraines seemed to be mainly hormonal–remember, I also have endometriosis and I have had migraines from age 11…you can put two and two together on the hormonal reason here, and I was younger when it started.

grapefruit
The beginning of the beginning of the beginning of the beginning…

My migraines got so bad that OTC medicine no longer helped or worked so I had to begin first Ultram/Ultram ER which just made me incredibly sleepy, and then other stronger narcotics to handle the severe pain for a day or two so I wouldn’t get rebound headaches.  When I was 17, my migraines became so frequent and so chronic and so pernicious to my everyday life that I had only one or two headache free days out of a month.  So, my reproductive endocrinologist put me on Yaz continuously in order to hopefully assist  with my migraines and endometriosis, which it did help for a few years. However, during that time, I still had to use one too many abortives (Imitrex was the only one I had at the time, now I have four or five!) so I went searching for a neurologist. And in graduate school, while working toward my MFA in Creative Writing, I was finally given Topamax. Because that chapter in my life if very hmm, dense? I will write that by itself as well. I just want to note that Topamax has been a Lifesaver for me, and without it–I would never be able to function as I do today.

colors colours health medicine
When you have one too many triptans to choose from…

The final reason for this post is to share some of my poetry with you. I realized that during my most intense moments of pain, I many times was my most creative. For whatever reason we artists have the undeniable knack for metamorphosing ‘agony’ into ‘blessings’.

Thank you so much for reading the words of my heart. I hope you enjoy my poetry below, ‘Migraine’ quite a straight forward title. My migraines tend to wake me up early in the morning out of sleep, or late at night before attempting sleep. So, this poem will be filled with allusions, metaphors, and exact descriptions of a migraine attack. Remember, June is MIGRAINE AWARENESS MONTH! 

Migraine

another thunderclap

and i taste stars—

like starfish, brine and murk,

on electrified dark—

lightening bolts are suspended

from olympus’ peak

as sumatriptan filters

my stems. sunshine

sticks to my tongue.

—-Brittany Rea Hill

*CosmopolitanMuse is all about sharing space, sharing information, and sharing positive energy! If you write poetry, flash fiction, or prose (or any longer pieces for around 1000 words or less) about your migraines, chronic daily headaches, or any other headaches–feel free to add them in the comment section! I will choose one top piece to feature at the end of this week!

in media res

in media res

I never believed anyone would want to read my story, as it’s difficult to lie to the mirror within yourself; to settle and strap down the peripatetic heart inside of you–living just to burst free and explore its beats. It’s even harder to shape the hairs that run along your supercilious spine, almost ceremoniously holding you together, every one locked in place; it bends and bows barometrically with enough force to give the illusion of choice, direction.

We are but visitors with a stranded path and plotted genetics, which most times make our journey not difficult but…interesting. “Interesting” as my father says fondly over Sunday cups of steaming coffee. He can find the slightest ground of intrigue in the mundane. I share the lust for irreplaceable replaceable knowledge. My mother, of a different sort, not much in noticing the luxe of nothingness in everything. Although she may at times mutter, “I love learning about stuff like that!” her love of useless knowledge ends as most do–Snapple Facts and the passing trivia. She is business with a child’s heart–that I get from her.

I am a dreamer. Most of the time I can be found lost in my reverie, shifting feet from left to right, or searching for a pen. I was just recently reacquainted with several of my monogrammed moleskin journals, so I will no longer have to jot down lengthy ‘trivials’ in the note section of my iPhone (as easy as it is, there’s something about putting pen to paper!)

I wasn’t sure to begin…the very beginning? Back in time to my earliest memories? Some of which, quite fondly, contain delicate moments between my grandpa and I. Should I begin in middle school (bleh!) where I first realized and experienced the truth that my skin color made me different as I traveled through this world? High School? Where the students really had me realize that my ethnicity chose multitudinous outcomes in my high school culture regardless of my awareness or not. Honestly, I never had dates or escorts to the Prom, or any formal event for that matter except one (and if he’s reading this, he knows who he is!) To this day, I know that my slow…uhhh…nonexistent dating life in high school gave me a slow start in dating overall which has unfortunately carried into adulthood. In my young adult years, I dated a LOT, but I never thought twice about having a family too young, too early, I always believed there would be time. Yet, as the years continue to tick by, endometriosis has become, “The Hand that Rocks the Cradle” and I begin to weigh relationships as forgotten opportunities–retrospect. I was engaged once, too, but that’s a nightmare, story, for a different time.

So, I begin here: in media res (‘in the middle of things’) which at this point is the only way I know how. As I have been experiencing some level, some type, some distinction of chronic pain since the age of 11, I have always been in action and continually moving to the next moment. I am hoping that my brief snapshot has been able to give you access to not only my vulnerability, but also entry into your own. It has been a long 7 years away, but it feels fantastic to be back with everyone! Please remember that we are all here together, and no matter what you may have gone through or are going through right now–you are enough.

headshot1
ME! 

Poetry Book Review of the Week

The Art of Recklessness: Poetry as Assertive Force and ContradictionDean Young

https://i0.wp.com/images.betterworldbooks.com/155/The-Art-of-Recklessness-9781555975623.jpg

Poetry, is above all, an art. Those of us who write for a living tend to ‘sometimes’ lose touch with creative reality. We write as a Kantian means to an ends (metaphysical representations) such as book publishing deals, journals being read, awards being won; which in its simplicity is all well and good. However, where does the sentimentality go? The passion? The creation? Dean Young attempts to have us reveal to ourselves our own definition of creation by using recklessness as a backdrop for discussion. Young writes about Dada and surrealism and its influence on art and how it has the power to ground imagination. For me, young’s illustration is not simply about aesthetic recklessness and the contradiction therein; yet, it is about the balance between imagination, creativity, art, and the concrete literal world. Of course we can create an innumerable amount of creative works, but then we must walk the thin line of writing for ourselves as well as writing for the reader.

Poetry mitigates just as fire does, by witnessing its own necessary recklessness and senses of the sacred, its ability to combust the ancillary, to grow and make everything itself eve as it confronts us with the outcome of its conjugation, with ash, with death, (Young; The Art of Recklessness; page 7) Poetry. As fire. Such a powerful statement for Young to draw our attention to. At first, it may that Young will write an entire book that basically “preaches” to the proverbial “choir”, but here, the reader can see that he is writing truth. Poetry, like fire, can and does diminish, but it can also create, destroy, and consume the reader, as well as itself. Poetry, like the writer, knows of its power, but it is up to us to act correctly on the knowledge and power.

My favorite concept of Young’s is poetry’s atrophic force in the world and contradiction. This poetic weakening stems from losing touch with human existence, feeling, and creativity-the process. We lose touch with our sense of art in order to please the common good, if you will, “Poetic practice has changed throughout time to the increase of the riches of poetry in genera, by poets doing what they have told not to or sensed were discouraged/disallowed from doing. At the center of any artistic practice is a resistance as well as a contrary impulse to identify, to stand-off from the tribe and to be part of it, (Young, page 37). Young values this contradiction very much; he writes that poetry is an assertive force; it must be poetry on purpose, not by default, such as his Marianne Moore example. Obscurity and unrecognizability do not make a poem, but focus does. There is nothing wrong with abstract poetry, however, one cannot write something that only the writer understands, and perhaps they don’t either. That is once again talking about the barrier between creativity and concrete; the necessity for “others” to understand our senses and experiences as writers, poets. In his own creation of this book, Young challenges himself to do just that. He pushes himself into the prose realm in The Art of Recklessness as well. His ambition drives him through a world of not simply a book about writing, reading, and understanding poetry, but through a world of the art form as well.

People use language for two reasons: to be understood and to not be understood” (Young; page 38). This quote is an exemplary way to continue Young’s views on contradiction and Dada and to advance my own point about the balance between aesthetic recklessness and concrete reality. There is a constant struggle, negotiation between the communicative state and the expressive state, “They are the two forces that form must come to terms with,” (Young; page 39). In relation to the Dada and the Surrealist, they pushed the boundaries between accepted “form” and art. Surrealist art itself is more philosophical and metaphysical in nature then focusing on the concrete tangible world. Yet, that is the way that art should be, creation, beautiful, unique. Young cites a wonderful personal example of this when he accounts an artist he met, Charles Spurrier, was working in his studio at the Fine Arts Work Center in Provincetown, “His work was cataclysmic, patched together, slashed apart, set on fire. A piece was more temporarily abandoned than finished for the formality of a show, and if it wasn’t bought, it went back into the system, quite possibly to be sawed, painted over, or melted down from some more current work…The risk in Charles’s work was that it flirted with, even embraced, forces and attitudes toward materials that to some extent eradicated the art itself, yet this contradiction did not lead to canceling out,” (Young; pages 42-43). An elongated explanation for, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Recklessness allows for great art to be born. Great art to whom? It does not matter when we are creating for ourselves. We must move away from making things that are planned and allow art to happen through hazard and coincidence.

Although Dean Young’s contribution to The Art of series was albeit resounding, it did have some weak points as well. The writing was almost impenetrable and at first read the work was somewhat elitist in nature. Understandably, Young was using this work as a tool in order to make his own writing stronger. The reader got to both enjoy and perhaps ridicule the outcome as well. I found Young to be, at times, inexplicably pretentious. Although, he knows what he is talking about. This creation would not be something for either the faint of heart nor for the writer who believes that writing is work, Young basically dismisses the claims and says that writing should be for the self, reckless, inhabited, “It [poetry] itemizes as well as lurches; its coherence is not a matter of linear development or consistency but rather one furious momentum through gushes and spinning in obsessional eddies,” (Young; page 98). I as a self-proclaimed, newly re-birthed formalist poet, should shudder against some of the ideals that Young represents, however, I am also a realist and a devout reader of all works philosophical from Kant to Heidegger to Descartes to Nietzsche, thus I am bound by such philosophical evaluations to oddly agree with Young, surprising myself. That is not to say that I will cease in creating formalist poetry, but it will certainly be created in a new light, with brighter eyes and awareness. I believe that MFA students fall victims to spending so much time on craft that they/we forget about the art. We forget about the all-encompassing spirit of creation that has lead us to the university in the first place; we forget the feel of the page, the pen. I think that Young says it best when he says, “ Desecration makes visible what is intended to be invisible, marks over what is intended to be the final mark or blankness,”(Young; page 60). Coming from a psychology background, I can relate to this quote. Defilement, breaking down a barrier reveals what someone has hidden, hidden thoughts, feelings, desires, and writing is no different, which is why it is used in so many therapeutic techniques.

Perhaps what Young is trying to prescribe is a therapy session: a reckless, uninhabited, creative therapy session. When do I start?

*Certainly…A MUST read*