It’s another one of those solitude soaked nights again; where my pillow becomes heavy with pain like pollen, floating from space to space and joint to joint–aimlessly the night buzzes in the stillness.
Softly, I remove the Summer-light lavender comforter from my burdened body, thinking (but really praying) that the two pounds will loosen the weight of the day, the days I’ve spent carrying around such a burden of illness in my gypsy bones.
They are always stunned, confused. I have always been a fairy with clipped wings. Hour-by-hour tracing steps to see how I could’ve done something better, leaving trails of pixie dust in my wake, across the eyes of my believers, but for some reason never enough for me.
I should’ve married Peter Pan, sewn my glitter into the threads of his shadow while we forever traveled to and from our Neverland, never landing on times past or reverie. But, I spent too much time on Captain Hook with his clock–my inner child–counting down the wasted away years he planned to steal.
He played the parts of savior and captor together all too well, the Captain. Smiling his crocodile smile through waters deep, and had jaws of death and jagged life just the same.
But around here, there is no luxury of retrospection, only present tense or future flux. It seems as though space remains incomprehensible to many, but when all you have is ‘the state between’, you tend to notice the nuisance of change.
I wish five years ago before my RA diagnosis, I would have been more aware of my ‘state between’–would have recognized the flutter of my fairy wings and the pulsing of my gypsy heart. In previous years I would spend too much time pondering the could have beens, would haves, should haves if I only might haves!
These days, even during nights like these while I’m stuck in the ‘state between’ and hot tempestuous pain, I sit in the present, stay thankful for tomorrow, and allow my gypsy heart to perambulate without concern.
As pixie dust slowly begins to soften my steps, my journey–I remember the song of my heart– my purpose of channeling pain into purpose into passion. Then, sharing my passion with you đ
E
CosmopolitanMuse 