A Space for Poetry, Chronic Illness & Pain, and All Things 'Musible'——-"A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day."- Emily Dickinson
I know it has been a few days since I’ve posted new content…but fear not! I will be back tomorrow with some great stuff!
The past several days, I have been participating in what I like to call “Routine Maintenance”: yearly eye exams with detailed retinal pictures for Plaquenil, yearly reproductive endocrinologist appointment for my endometriosis (and obvious masochism đ), etc.
For me, I went to the hair salon and dyed my hair yet another fantasy color, blue! I have wanted blue for so very long now! I’ve had blonde, blonder, bright red, purple, rose gold and pink, wild orchid; but blue has a vibrant buoyancy to it that attempts to match that of which I feel. It radiates.
So, please allow me time to regroup–for me, but mainly for you so that I can continue to compose the freshest and most relevant content.
The first day of the week when we just try to make it through until the weekend, again. The day when all of Friday night and Saturday day’s festivities have either taken their toll, or created a slow-burning, yearning down in our souls whispering to us, “Do it again…Do it again”.
But I mean, how many times can one excitedly leave the couch to triumphantly answer the door for Amazon Prime deliveries?? In FRESH pjs nonetheless! How can we ever top the fascination of finally washing that laundry that’s been sitting stacked in our laundry room for two weeks because our legs, wrist, shoulders, waist (body) has been too tired to move along with our own existence? And wait! What about just the triumph alone of not canceling plans with your in town/out of touch friends for once?! Like, it has been about two months since you’ve seen anything outside of your own four walls, your office, and that coworker who always hangs around your cubicle giving you puppy dog pity faces even though she has absolutely no idea what chronic illnesses you have–and if Laura and Jessica say one more time, “Oh. My. God! I have terrible cramps, too! Period sisters!!”–you will seriously start to fantasize about which Lifetime movie you can reenact without getting caught and going to jail, citing temporary insanity…A woman finally snaps on office workers who don’t bother to look up what endometriosis is and constantly compare their butterfly đŠ fluttering of period cramps to the T-Rex đŠ stomping inside her uterus on a daily basis in…‘Endo Put Her To An End, Yo’. Yes! Such amazing triumphs throughout this past weekend, and I’m sure so many more to come this week. All of us with chronic pain and illnesses know that even the minute of accomplishments are mountains to many of us! And for that very reason, I wanted to start off this week with some of my favorite chronic pain and chronic illness memes I have come across! If you happen to find any that you’d like to share, please feel free to comment them below OR email them to me @britr2002@yahoo.com and I’ll put them in my post next Monday morning!
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I mean…yassss
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If I hear one more time âExercise will make you feel better!â When I canât even move…
One of these days, I will tell you the whole story. How some mornings when I wake up and all of my joints are of ligneous texture, density, heaviness. A stiff feeling which allows me to sardonically think, “I’m a real girl!” to myself, chuckling aloud as I haven’t lost my sometimes dark sense of humor… No, I will save that story for how my RA began five years ago for a different time since I am luckily on day seven (Thank God!) of no migraine or no headache due to a regimen of low dose daily steroid–methylprednisone– and a slight increase in my Topamax. The methylprednisone I just keep around the house for several reasons and ailments , and we ALL know the double edged sword that comes with the steroid life preserver!Â
I began having migraines at the age of 11, so I’ve had chronic migraines for much more than half of my life. With my first migraine, I was absolutely afraid. I had been visiting my mom in her office at our family business when all of a sudden, the right side of my head behind my eye began to throb fiercely and without warning. I started to notice that my ears were ringing, my vision was changing (bright flashing lights occluded my view) and tidal waves of nausea ebbed and flowed over my body every 30 seconds. My mother was on the phone, but quickly hung up, “I have to go, I’m sorry, something is wrong with my daughter.” My mom and I then spent the next 15 minutes semi-permanetley affixed to the tiles of the medium-sized bathroom before my Dad got there to bring me to the doctor.Â
Luckily, I had finished vomiting by then so the car ride was full of my silence and the soothing hum of the engine, but the judgmental ticks and clicks of the turn signal. “Does anyone in your immediate family have a history of migraines?”
QUESTION: Does anyone in your family have a history of migraines or headaches? If so, what family member, and how do you help them cope not only with the symptoms but various aspects that are impacted in their daily lives?Â
“Well, yeah–my maternal grandmother…one of my maternal aunts…”
“You had a migraine today. I don’t know how many you will have or how severe and how often, but I will tell you some things that you can do to alleviate symptoms before the migraine attack gets too bad.” At the age of 13, I ended up having chronic migraines and my migraines always began with visual disturbances or auras (ie. flashing lights, blurry vision, printed letters changing colors (mainly white writing looking pink or yellow) ringing in the ears, etc. I now also smell things that aren’t there! : bacon, wood burning, pizza, etc.) My migraines seemed to be mainly hormonal–remember, I also have endometriosis and I have had migraines from age 11…you can put two and two together on the hormonal reason here, and I was younger when it started.
The beginning of the beginning of the beginning of the beginning…
My migraines got so bad that OTC medicine no longer helped or worked so I had to begin first Ultram/Ultram ER which just made me incredibly sleepy, and then other stronger narcotics to handle the severe pain for a day or two so I wouldn’t get rebound headaches.  When I was 17, my migraines became so frequent and so chronic and so pernicious to my everyday life that I had only one or two headache free days out of a month.  So, my reproductive endocrinologist put me on Yaz continuously in order to hopefully assist  with my migraines and endometriosis, which it did help for a few years. However, during that time, I still had to use one too many abortives (Imitrex was the only one I had at the time, now I have four or five!) so I went searching for a neurologist. And in graduate school, while working toward my MFA in Creative Writing, I was finally given Topamax. Because that chapter in my life if very hmm, dense? I will write that by itself as well. I just want to note that Topamax has been a Lifesaver for me, and without it–I would never be able to function as I do today.
When you have one too many triptans to choose from…
The final reason for this post is to share some of my poetry with you. I realized that during my most intense moments of pain, I many times was my most creative. For whatever reason we artists have the undeniable knack for metamorphosing ‘agony’ into ‘blessings’.
Thank you so much for reading the words of my heart. I hope you enjoy my poetry below, ‘Migraine’ quite a straight forward title. My migraines tend to wake me up early in the morning out of sleep, or late at night before attempting sleep. So, this poem will be filled with allusions, metaphors, and exact descriptions of a migraine attack. Remember, June is MIGRAINE AWARENESS MONTH!Â
Migraine
another thunderclap
and i taste starsâ
like starfish, brine and murk,
on electrified darkâ
lightening bolts are suspended
from olympus’ peak
as sumatriptan filters
my stems. sunshine
sticks to my tongue.
—-Brittany Rea Hill
*CosmopolitanMuse is all about sharing space, sharing information, and sharing positive energy! If you write poetry, flash fiction, or prose (or any longer pieces for around 1000 words or less) about your migraines, chronic daily headaches, or any other headaches–feel free to add them in the comment section! I will choose one top piece to feature at the end of this week!
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