A Space for Poetry, Chronic Illness & Pain, and All Things 'Musible'——-"A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day."- Emily Dickinson
I know it has been a few days since I’ve posted new content…but fear not! I will be back tomorrow with some great stuff!
The past several days, I have been participating in what I like to call “Routine Maintenance”: yearly eye exams with detailed retinal pictures for Plaquenil, yearly reproductive endocrinologist appointment for my endometriosis (and obvious masochism 😑), etc.
For me, I went to the hair salon and dyed my hair yet another fantasy color, blue! I have wanted blue for so very long now! I’ve had blonde, blonder, bright red, purple, rose gold and pink, wild orchid; but blue has a vibrant buoyancy to it that attempts to match that of which I feel. It radiates.
So, please allow me time to regroup–for me, but mainly for you so that I can continue to compose the freshest and most relevant content.
Today has been a pretty very difficult today. One of those days where you’d like to never move from the couch, or bed, or chair, but you have absolutely no choice because you have doctors appointments and life. Yep–that day.
One of the most uncomfortable symptoms of my RA is pleurisy which is basically when the pleura–membrane with a layer of tissue that lines the inner chest cavity and a layer of tissue that surrounds the lungs gets inflamed–and has severe sharp/shooting pains. I know, really basic, right? All that is important to know is BREATHING=PAIN! I was given one of those Peak Flow Meters a few months ago when I had my first severe case of pleurisy that sent me to the ER.
It is supposed to help keep my lungs open, make deep breathing easier, and allow me too track my progress with breathing when I am having long flare ups. Ugh! When I have to take this thing out, I almost immediately break down and crack open my little steroid tic tacs every time! But, I attempt to take my steroids as little as possible since it has so many longterm side effects.
My pleurisy has been so bad though, that I couldn’t even do my nails today! That’s right: I have Memorial Day toes and tips on! It is so terrible. For those of you who follow me on Instagram and Snapchat, you know that I am constantly changing my nail designs and nail shapes. I absolutely love doing my nails, it’s very relaxing to me. I think I enjoy doing most creative activities because they allow me to utilize my brain in different nonrestrictive ways.
My first attempt at doing a French Fade/Baby Boomer!
This is precisely why working in a corporate setting has never uhh been my ‘thing’. I feel like I am suffocating and that my time should and could be better spent doing a million other things than literally anything else going on on my desk, let alone in the office. The only thing that I found remotely exciting was the office gossip, and even that got too much too fast. I had my own stuff going on, I didn’t have time for all of those people coming to my desk stressing me out because her baby’s father wanted to have their baby around his new girlfriend, or because Jose caught his boyfriend cheating with Jose’s Uber driver that he thought he was going on a date with after he met him on Tinder…or the 45 year-old alcoholic coming into work cussing out the entire management staff, throwing papers in his face and telling him he needs to do the work himself if he can’t keep his mouth out of her business…and then she gets suspended for two weeks, but comes into work the next day, stands by my desk where I give her the eye and she sits down leaving a whiff of alcohol that I don’t know is Listerine or 80 proof. I do not have the time. Besides, I now have dedicated time and teaspoons of energy to give to my writing and music.I do miss working outside of the home though; just being able to see different faces, absorb fresh air and sun. Yet, for such a long time, being unwell has made me unable to work, both physically and mentally. It has just been in the last month or so that I’ve felt like, ‘Hey! I may be able to start doing this again!’ Most people don’t know that I have been working since the age of 13 (actually prior to that because my family has a business and you better believe I was contributing my share of help! But now, I want to focus on my writing and music–funny, how life works out that way I think.
So, my post is shorter and later today because I spent most of my afternoon getting yet another chest X-ray to check the condition of my lungs and heart (pleurisy and pericarditis–which I have had a couple of times before as well). Last night I was awake and in terrible pain (PAINSOMNIA!) until about 3:00AM, and in those moments, I spend time writing, editing, and submitting poetry. I want to share this piece with you which I have submitted for publication in various journals. It was under revision and I wrote this while awake at 4:00AM during a PAINSOMNIA! event, too. Please, I am open to your comments, to your questions.
If you also have a piece of writing that you’ve writing during a time of ‘PAINSOMNIA!’ do feel free to post it in comments below, or send mean e-mail so that I may post it here at a later time! Here is my poem again below!
The first day of the week when we just try to make it through until the weekend, again. The day when all of Friday night and Saturday day’s festivities have either taken their toll, or created a slow-burning, yearning down in our souls whispering to us, “Do it again…Do it again”.
But I mean, how many times can one excitedly leave the couch to triumphantly answer the door for Amazon Prime deliveries?? In FRESH pjs nonetheless! How can we ever top the fascination of finally washing that laundry that’s been sitting stacked in our laundry room for two weeks because our legs, wrist, shoulders, waist (body) has been too tired to move along with our own existence? And wait! What about just the triumph alone of not canceling plans with your in town/out of touch friends for once?! Like, it has been about two months since you’ve seen anything outside of your own four walls, your office, and that coworker who always hangs around your cubicle giving you puppy dog pity faces even though she has absolutely no idea what chronic illnesses you have–and if Laura and Jessica say one more time, “Oh. My. God! I have terrible cramps, too! Period sisters!!”–you will seriously start to fantasize about which Lifetime movie you can reenact without getting caught and going to jail, citing temporary insanity…A woman finally snaps on office workers who don’t bother to look up what endometriosis is and constantly compare their butterfly 🦋 fluttering of period cramps to the T-Rex 🦖 stomping inside her uterus on a daily basis in…‘Endo Put Her To An End, Yo’. Yes! Such amazing triumphs throughout this past weekend, and I’m sure so many more to come this week. All of us with chronic pain and illnesses know that even the minute of accomplishments are mountains to many of us! And for that very reason, I wanted to start off this week with some of my favorite chronic pain and chronic illness memes I have come across! If you happen to find any that you’d like to share, please feel free to comment them below OR email them to me @britr2002@yahoo.com and I’ll put them in my post next Monday morning!
1.
I mean…yassss
2.
If I hear one more time “Exercise will make you feel better!” When I can’t even move…
One of these days, I will tell you the whole story. How some mornings when I wake up and all of my joints are of ligneous texture, density, heaviness. A stiff feeling which allows me to sardonically think, “I’m a real girl!” to myself, chuckling aloud as I haven’t lost my sometimes dark sense of humor… No, I will save that story for how my RA began five years ago for a different time since I am luckily on day seven(Thank God!) of no migraine or no headache due to a regimen of low dose daily steroid–methylprednisone– and a slight increase in my Topamax. The methylprednisone I just keep around the house for several reasons and ailments , and we ALL know the double edged sword that comes with the steroid life preserver!
I began having migraines at the age of 11, so I’ve had chronic migraines for much more than half of my life. With my first migraine, I was absolutely afraid. I had been visiting my mom in her office at our family business when all of a sudden, the right side of my head behind my eye began to throb fiercely and without warning. I started to notice that my ears were ringing, my vision was changing (bright flashing lights occluded my view) and tidal waves of nausea ebbed and flowed over my body every 30 seconds. My mother was on the phone, but quickly hung up, “I have to go, I’m sorry, something is wrong with my daughter.” My mom and I then spent the next 15 minutes semi-permanetley affixed to the tiles of the medium-sized bathroom before my Dad got there to bring me to the doctor.
Luckily, I had finished vomiting by then so the car ride was full of my silence and the soothing hum of the engine, but the judgmental ticks and clicks of the turn signal. “Does anyone in your immediate family have a history of migraines?”
QUESTION: Does anyone in your family have a history of migraines or headaches? If so, what family member, and how do you help them cope not only with the symptoms but various aspects that are impacted in their daily lives?
“Well, yeah–my maternal grandmother…one of my maternal aunts…”
“You had a migraine today. I don’t know how many you will have or how severe and how often, but I will tell you some things that you can do to alleviate symptoms before the migraine attack gets too bad.” At the age of 13, I ended up having chronic migraines and my migraines always began with visual disturbances or auras (ie. flashing lights, blurry vision, printed letters changing colors (mainly white writing looking pink or yellow) ringing in the ears, etc. I now also smell things that aren’t there! : bacon, wood burning, pizza, etc.) My migraines seemed to be mainly hormonal–remember, I also have endometriosis and I have had migraines from age 11…you can put two and two together on the hormonal reason here, and I was younger when it started.
The beginning of the beginning of the beginning of the beginning…
My migraines got so bad that OTC medicine no longer helped or worked so I had to begin first Ultram/Ultram ER which just made me incredibly sleepy, and then other stronger narcotics to handle the severe pain for a day or two so I wouldn’t get rebound headaches. When I was 17, my migraines became so frequent and so chronic and so pernicious to my everyday life that I had only one or two headache free days out of a month. So, my reproductive endocrinologist put me on Yaz continuously in order to hopefully assist with my migraines and endometriosis, which it did help for a few years. However, during that time, I still had to use one too many abortives (Imitrex was the only one I had at the time, now I have four or five!) so I went searching for a neurologist. And in graduate school, while working toward my MFA in Creative Writing, I was finally given Topamax. Because that chapter in my life if very hmm, dense? I will write that by itself as well. I just want to note that Topamax has been a Lifesaver for me, and without it–I would never be able to function as I do today.
When you have one too many triptans to choose from…
The final reason for this post is to share some of my poetry with you. I realized that during my most intense moments of pain, I many times was my most creative. For whatever reason we artists have the undeniable knack for metamorphosing ‘agony’ into ‘blessings’.
Thank you so much for reading the words of my heart. I hope you enjoy my poetry below, ‘Migraine’ quite a straight forward title. My migraines tend to wake me up early in the morning out of sleep, or late at night before attempting sleep. So, this poem will be filled with allusions, metaphors, and exact descriptions of a migraine attack. Remember, June is MIGRAINE AWARENESS MONTH!
Migraine
another thunderclap
and i taste stars—
like starfish, brine and murk,
on electrified dark—
lightening bolts are suspended
from olympus’ peak
as sumatriptan filters
my stems. sunshine
sticks to my tongue.
—-Brittany Rea Hill
*CosmopolitanMuse is all about sharing space, sharing information, and sharing positive energy! If you write poetry, flash fiction, or prose (or any longer pieces for around 1000 words or less) about your migraines, chronic daily headaches, or any other headaches–feel free to add them in the comment section! I will choose one top piece to feature at the end of this week!
E
CosmopolitanMuse 