A Space for Poetry, Chronic Illness & Pain, and All Things 'Musible'——-"A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day."- Emily Dickinson
When conversations are between one person–I find myself hovering–the “out of body experience” we all feel when lectured to by an ‘OUTSIDER’.
We are Grateful, Glad, and #Blessed, that the ‘OUTSIDERS’ know not of our Suffering–but where does it end? The diatribe. When will we be understood with Grace and Empathy; when our Truth is not of insult but just that: our hearts are speaking.
Sometimes we are locked in frozen chambers–a tundra so vast and dry, the only other contact are those that also inhabit here.
Grateful to you, my frozen Sisters, Brothers of the “Night’s Watch”: We ‘Wildlings‘ couldn’t do without your protection–left here to ascend our Wall alone…
Today has been a pretty very difficult today. One of those days where you’d like to never move from the couch, or bed, or chair, but you have absolutely no choice because you have doctors appointments and life. Yep–that day.
One of the most uncomfortable symptoms of my RA is pleurisy which is basically when the pleura–membrane with a layer of tissue that lines the inner chest cavity and a layer of tissue that surrounds the lungs gets inflamed–and has severe sharp/shooting pains. I know, really basic, right? All that is important to know is BREATHING=PAIN! I was given one of those Peak Flow Meters a few months ago when I had my first severe case of pleurisy that sent me to the ER.
It is supposed to help keep my lungs open, make deep breathing easier, and allow me too track my progress with breathing when I am having long flare ups. Ugh! When I have to take this thing out, I almost immediately break down and crack open my little steroid tic tacs every time! But, I attempt to take my steroids as little as possible since it has so many longterm side effects.
My pleurisy has been so bad though, that I couldn’t even do my nails today! That’s right: I have Memorial Day toes and tips on! It is so terrible. For those of you who follow me on Instagram and Snapchat, you know that I am constantly changing my nail designs and nail shapes. I absolutely love doing my nails, it’s very relaxing to me. I think I enjoy doing most creative activities because they allow me to utilize my brain in different nonrestrictive ways.
My first attempt at doing a French Fade/Baby Boomer!
This is precisely why working in a corporate setting has never uhh been my ‘thing’. I feel like I am suffocating and that my time should and could be better spent doing a million other things than literally anything else going on on my desk, let alone in the office. The only thing that I found remotely exciting was the office gossip, and even that got too much too fast. I had my own stuff going on, I didn’t have time for all of those people coming to my desk stressing me out because her baby’s father wanted to have their baby around his new girlfriend, or because Jose caught his boyfriend cheating with Jose’s Uber driver that he thought he was going on a date with after he met him on Tinder…or the 45 year-old alcoholic coming into work cussing out the entire management staff, throwing papers in his face and telling him he needs to do the work himself if he can’t keep his mouth out of her business…and then she gets suspended for two weeks, but comes into work the next day, stands by my desk where I give her the eye and she sits down leaving a whiff of alcohol that I don’t know is Listerine or 80 proof. I do not have the time. Besides, I now have dedicated time and teaspoons of energy to give to my writing and music.I do miss working outside of the home though; just being able to see different faces, absorb fresh air and sun. Yet, for such a long time, being unwell has made me unable to work, both physically and mentally. It has just been in the last month or so that I’ve felt like, ‘Hey! I may be able to start doing this again!’ Most people don’t know that I have been working since the age of 13 (actually prior to that because my family has a business and you better believe I was contributing my share of help! But now, I want to focus on my writing and music–funny, how life works out that way I think.
So, my post is shorter and later today because I spent most of my afternoon getting yet another chest X-ray to check the condition of my lungs and heart (pleurisy and pericarditis–which I have had a couple of times before as well). Last night I was awake and in terrible pain (PAINSOMNIA!) until about 3:00AM, and in those moments, I spend time writing, editing, and submitting poetry. I want to share this piece with you which I have submitted for publication in various journals. It was under revision and I wrote this while awake at 4:00AM during a PAINSOMNIA! event, too. Please, I am open to your comments, to your questions.
If you also have a piece of writing that you’ve writing during a time of ‘PAINSOMNIA!’ do feel free to post it in comments below, or send mean e-mail so that I may post it here at a later time! Here is my poem again below!
The first day of the week when we just try to make it through until the weekend, again. The day when all of Friday night and Saturday day’s festivities have either taken their toll, or created a slow-burning, yearning down in our souls whispering to us, “Do it again…Do it again”.
But I mean, how many times can one excitedly leave the couch to triumphantly answer the door for Amazon Prime deliveries?? In FRESH pjs nonetheless! How can we ever top the fascination of finally washing that laundry that’s been sitting stacked in our laundry room for two weeks because our legs, wrist, shoulders, waist (body) has been too tired to move along with our own existence? And wait! What about just the triumph alone of not canceling plans with your in town/out of touch friends for once?! Like, it has been about two months since you’ve seen anything outside of your own four walls, your office, and that coworker who always hangs around your cubicle giving you puppy dog pity faces even though she has absolutely no idea what chronic illnesses you have–and if Laura and Jessica say one more time, “Oh. My. God! I have terrible cramps, too! Period sisters!!”–you will seriously start to fantasize about which Lifetime movie you can reenact without getting caught and going to jail, citing temporary insanity…A woman finally snaps on office workers who don’t bother to look up what endometriosis is and constantly compare their butterfly 🦋 fluttering of period cramps to the T-Rex 🦖 stomping inside her uterus on a daily basis in…‘Endo Put Her To An End, Yo’. Yes! Such amazing triumphs throughout this past weekend, and I’m sure so many more to come this week. All of us with chronic pain and illnesses know that even the minute of accomplishments are mountains to many of us! And for that very reason, I wanted to start off this week with some of my favorite chronic pain and chronic illness memes I have come across! If you happen to find any that you’d like to share, please feel free to comment them below OR email them to me @britr2002@yahoo.com and I’ll put them in my post next Monday morning!
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I mean…yassss
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If I hear one more time “Exercise will make you feel better!” When I can’t even move…
CosmopolitanMuse 