A Space for Poetry, Chronic Illness & Pain, and All Things 'Musible'——-"A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day."- Emily Dickinson
Nine times out of ten I like talking about other people–to other people.
But, there’s this period between dusk and dawn that belong to my thoughts–to me.
My pen enjoys the fluidity of writing the mockery in “M”, elucidates laughter from the soul in the “E”, leaves out (purposefully) the harshness of the confusing “Y-O-U”.
Selfishly, she sometimes dots an “I” without batting any, chooses not to play for a team so works independently for awhile.
But as the sun peeks perspicaciously over ‘City of Oaks’–we better start our day–together.
This too shall pass…I pray that if I say it enough an angel waiting wrapped in cellophane will release its wings, feather-by-feather, cover me in Peace and Grace. So light, my trepidation will fly against the Heavens as stars; burst into gas, alight a new awakening galaxy.
Or, am I made of cellophane? Do you see so clearly through me? Quickly pick apart the pieces of cogs and wheels my brain lays way to take shape? Sit by and watch the flooding chambers of my heart and wait on baited breath to see if what’s left will ever fill back up again?
What flows through your “parchemented” mind in those 3.5 seconds? Funny thing about cellophane is that it suffocates as it protects.
I tend to write heavy moments with a stream of consciousness detail, making sure to allow myself to feel the deep emotion that is attached to my experience–this feels the best way for my catharsis to be effective. And I am a huge proponent on using writing (whether it be poetry, prose, notes, or doodles) for a cathartic process. In fact, my MFA Graduate research project was on poetry for cathartic process, and I used research from various emotional trauma (physical and emotional abuse in domestic relationships) as well as a large section on PTSD in the military all the way back from World War ll.
What are some ways that you deal with stress, anxiety, or emotional entanglements? If you would be open to share any thoughts or example, please comment below or send an email to me!
Today has been a pretty very difficult today. One of those days where you’d like to never move from the couch, or bed, or chair, but you have absolutely no choice because you have doctors appointments and life. Yep–that day.
One of the most uncomfortable symptoms of my RA is pleurisy which is basically when the pleura–membrane with a layer of tissue that lines the inner chest cavity and a layer of tissue that surrounds the lungs gets inflamed–and has severe sharp/shooting pains. I know, really basic, right? All that is important to know is BREATHING=PAIN! I was given one of those Peak Flow Meters a few months ago when I had my first severe case of pleurisy that sent me to the ER.
It is supposed to help keep my lungs open, make deep breathing easier, and allow me too track my progress with breathing when I am having long flare ups. Ugh! When I have to take this thing out, I almost immediately break down and crack open my little steroid tic tacs every time! But, I attempt to take my steroids as little as possible since it has so many longterm side effects.
My pleurisy has been so bad though, that I couldn’t even do my nails today! That’s right: I have Memorial Day toes and tips on! It is so terrible. For those of you who follow me on Instagram and Snapchat, you know that I am constantly changing my nail designs and nail shapes. I absolutely love doing my nails, it’s very relaxing to me. I think I enjoy doing most creative activities because they allow me to utilize my brain in different nonrestrictive ways.
My first attempt at doing a French Fade/Baby Boomer!
This is precisely why working in a corporate setting has never uhh been my ‘thing’. I feel like I am suffocating and that my time should and could be better spent doing a million other things than literally anything else going on on my desk, let alone in the office. The only thing that I found remotely exciting was the office gossip, and even that got too much too fast. I had my own stuff going on, I didn’t have time for all of those people coming to my desk stressing me out because her baby’s father wanted to have their baby around his new girlfriend, or because Jose caught his boyfriend cheating with Jose’s Uber driver that he thought he was going on a date with after he met him on Tinder…or the 45 year-old alcoholic coming into work cussing out the entire management staff, throwing papers in his face and telling him he needs to do the work himself if he can’t keep his mouth out of her business…and then she gets suspended for two weeks, but comes into work the next day, stands by my desk where I give her the eye and she sits down leaving a whiff of alcohol that I don’t know is Listerine or 80 proof. I do not have the time. Besides, I now have dedicated time and teaspoons of energy to give to my writing and music.I do miss working outside of the home though; just being able to see different faces, absorb fresh air and sun. Yet, for such a long time, being unwell has made me unable to work, both physically and mentally. It has just been in the last month or so that I’ve felt like, ‘Hey! I may be able to start doing this again!’ Most people don’t know that I have been working since the age of 13 (actually prior to that because my family has a business and you better believe I was contributing my share of help! But now, I want to focus on my writing and music–funny, how life works out that way I think.
So, my post is shorter and later today because I spent most of my afternoon getting yet another chest X-ray to check the condition of my lungs and heart (pleurisy and pericarditis–which I have had a couple of times before as well). Last night I was awake and in terrible pain (PAINSOMNIA!) until about 3:00AM, and in those moments, I spend time writing, editing, and submitting poetry. I want to share this piece with you which I have submitted for publication in various journals. It was under revision and I wrote this while awake at 4:00AM during a PAINSOMNIA! event, too. Please, I am open to your comments, to your questions.
If you also have a piece of writing that you’ve writing during a time of ‘PAINSOMNIA!’ do feel free to post it in comments below, or send mean e-mail so that I may post it here at a later time! Here is my poem again below!
CosmopolitanMuse 